So this is the week that I should be packing my tiara and
tutu and getting ready to cross the Disney Princess Half Marathon off my bucket
list. And I’m not doing it. It would have been easy for me to slink off
and not ever post to the See How She Runs blog again, but one of the goals of
this whole exercise was to be more authentic and open about things that I was
not very open or authentic about.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I write when I’m running, and you may notice
that I haven’t posted anything since November.
I think I did one more long run after the Buddy’s Race Against Cancer
and then packed it in. I’m disappointed
in myself, not because I didn’t achieve my goal of running in the half
marathon, but because I “quit” so far into the race. I ran regularly from January through
November, ELEVEN WHOLE MONTHS.
I’m also frustrated because this was supposed to be an
exercise in “letting go and letting God.”
My runs may have been slow time-wise, but they were very enriching
spiritually. I spent a lot of time
talking to God, telling him that I trusted him to play his part in making this
happen, and I really believed that it would, until I decided I knew better than
God what I was capable of.
And why am I having trouble starting up again? I go back to the Theodore Roosevelt quote
about the man in the arena (the focus of Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly):
The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually
strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who
spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of
high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
I’m
disappointed in myself for getting out of the arena because I dared greatly for
a time and then quit, returning to join the cold and timid souls out of the
game. But this is a critical place to be
right now, one that can teach me a lot about myself. The place outside the arena initially feels
safe but soon starts to smother me in ennui, triggering a downward spiral of
shame and unworthiness. Exciting challenges
await inside the arena, but can have a tendency to result in sensory overload
for me which is probably what sent me running for the exit.
I
suspect I fall in the middle of the introvert/extrovert continuum and haven’t
learned how to successfully sustain each side.
So life-wise, my goal is to find a way for the introverted part of me to
recharge while in the midst of the dust, sweat and blood of the arena, while
continuing to challenge the extroverted Elizabeth who dares greatly. Another goal is to again “let go and let God.” I knew he was with me the first time around, now
I know what happens when I try to wrestle back control from the Almighty.
As
far as running goes, I have some pretty clearly defined goals as well. It was interesting that as I added distance,
my pace pretty much remained the same.
It was a slow pace that did not meet the requirement for finishing the
Disney Princess Half Marathon, but the beginning, middle and end of my long
runs were very similar. My first time
around on this half-marathon journey, I thought it would be possible to
increase speed and distance at the same time.
Now I see that this isn’t how it works for me and I can spend the next
few months working on speed knowing that it is the more challenging aspect of
training.
Sunday morning will be bittersweet because I had
this vision of crossing the finish line and it won’t happen as I thought it
would. That doesn’t mean that it won’t
happen eventually!
