Monday, November 18, 2013

When the going gets tough...

The Buddy's Barbecue Race Against Cancer was last  weekend.  I'm six weeks into half-marathon training and figured it would be a good test.  The whole family did a 5K back in August that did not go as well as expected.  I blamed it on the heat, humidity and my cranky six year old race partner.  This time around it would be considerably cooler and the only Pemberton I'd have to worry about is me.  Completely different experience, right?

Wrong!  I did more running in this 5K than the last one, but walked over half of the distance.  And really questioned whether I am a race kind of girl.  I know all about the race advice to maintain your own pace and not worry about others passing you, but it was hard to hold on to that when the couple HOLDING HANDS strolled past me.  Yes I passed them later in the race, and that supports the "don't worry, maintain your pace" philosophy, but by that time I was just so ready to finish the darn thing that I didn't care.

It was like every single ugly voice that I've worked to silence for the past ten months had their say with every person that passed me.  (And that was A LOT of people!)  "Who do you think you are?"  "Look at the fat girl trying to run!"  "Ten months running and this is the best you can do?"  "Waste of time, waste of time, waste of time" chugging through my head like a train.  Even earbuds with my best power songs couldn't drown them out.  (Let me be really clear here, nobody that passed me actually said anything to me, the Buddy's race is a very positive environment and a fun race to do.  Those voices were all in my head.)

I don't feel like this on my solo runs.  Often a fellow runner gives me a thumbs up or "great job!" as I plod along. So obviously I came to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out to run races, that I 'll just run for myself.  The thought of running the happy fun Disney Princess Half Marathon in a tiara and tutu while those negative voices have their way with my mind is a pretty miserable picture.

But here's the interesting thing:  even with the walking and the voices and the unhappiness, I went a lot faster than I normally do on my solo runs.  My fastest 5K time ever.  And even though I was miserable and prepared to give up racing, I skipped a shortcut several other people took. 


So I'm going to keep training and planning on running the Princess Half Marathon because I'm pretty sure I'll talk myself out of running if I don't still have it as a goal.  But I'm also telling myself that I as long as I continue training, I can opt out.  It’s enough to keep me going for now.

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